Good, Bad, Ugly

I'm having trouble getting into this blogging every day of my life thing. I love the idea, if fact I love blogs. I am addicted to them. I have a few yahoo groups I can not live without (if that counts as blogging)...they are all China adoption related of course. But I dare not admit how much time I spend checking them....you might be shocked. I was likewise addicted to fertility blogs before we began our journey to our daughter in China. I followed one called "the naked ovary" for YEARS.....she finally ended up adopting a beautiful baby girl from guess where????? CHINA. Now I think I heard she is pregnant. Talk about a master blogger, it was an engaging blog. I guess my fear is that I will not have anything witty or interesting to say. But this blogging thing is supposed to be cathartic right? Well I have found that to be true. In as little as I have posted so far I do feel better just getting things out there and off of my mind. It is a self fulfilling prophecy whatever that is supposed to mean just always wanted to use that in a sentence. So what is good bad and ugly about this post? Well the good thing is I am feeling better, I had a tough time last week. But, I have a renewed outlook and I am looking forward to seeing if we will get a match next month, or the next, or the next. Ok, that leads to the bad and the ugly....our agency did not match any children off of the shared list this month. They got an individual agency list with 25 children, mostly boys...so matches where made from that list, but the BIG list that is online that many agencies view had a bunch of children added last week and for some unknown reason our agency was unable to lock in any files for it's waiting families. Don't have a clue why, I could speculate but I won't. They did say that most of the children added this month were older boys and girls and children with more significant special needs and they didn't find any files that matched the waiting families profiles. I am trying not to make assumptions as to what this means for our wait. We'll just have to get through it one day at a time. Ok, back to the good...I bought some more baby clothes this week....I recently read that if we are expecting a child 12-18 months old, she will likely wear 9 to 12 month clothes. This means that all the stuff I have been buying (not alot) will be too small:) She will still look very much like a baby to me!

Disappointment

This week has been a tough one for me. It started out so optimistic. There was news all over my adoption blogs that a new list of waiting children was going to be posted this week. Since we are close to the top of our agencies waiting child list that meant that we could get a call. The list was posted late Tuesday night and so far we have not gotten "the call". I have not been 3 feet away from my phone in days (I admit, I am carrying it around in my bra) and I have been glued to the computer whenever possible trying to figure out what is going on. The last news I heard is that their were mostly boys and older children added this month and all the girls with minor special needs were already spoken for. There is a possibility that more children will be added over a few day period...if not we'll move on to next month. The Chinese Center for Adoption Affairs has been posting new lists about once a month. I know it is for the best because it will give me a little extra time this fall to get some work in during our busiest time of the year before I have to take time off. I am a Territory Sales Manager for a pool chemical company by the way.

So how do I feel? Bad, I feel bad...there I said it. Hard to admit for an optimist like myself. This is not just about this week, this is years of longing to have another child culminating into what seems this week to be endless waiting. My husband Jimmy could tell you more about how bad I feel he has had to listen to it, poor man. My son could tell you how bad I feel because he has had to deal with me being pretty irritable. I will snap out of it, in fact today is already better than yesterday. It's funny, any time someone asks me how the adoption is going I am always super positive, mainly because it is all so hard to explain everything. But here I can be honest and say that it is difficult to get through the waiting. The picture is me with my beautiful niece Madison.

My first baby, Zach who is now 14 going on 21. What a great kid, I have been trying so hard to add another child to my family, lest I not forget that I have a beautiful son. He makes me laugh, enfuriates me, gives me a reason to get up and worry myself to death all day, he's my best friend and my pride and joy! Zach is excited to be getting a baby sister at last, but he'd never admit it. I can't get him off of his phone long enough for him to admit anything. With a face like his and that charming personality, as you can imagine he has a very busy social life!

Nursery Pics

Here are our nursery pictures, of course they don't do it justice colors are more vibrant in person, still have a lot to do! I hope Aubrey loves it!

So fast all the sudden!

Well, suddenly it seems that our adoption process is moving along. I haven't even shared this blog with friends and family, nor have I posted much because I thought we still had a long wait ahead. And lately I have gotten really good at procrastinating! Well that has all changed!! In the last couple of months the waiting child program that we are a part of has had a lot of changes. Agencies from around the world are now part of an online system where children with Special Needs are added regularly to the list. Once they are added, adoption agencies can view files electonically and lock in files for thier families to view. It has sped up the process and.....long story short we are expecting a call about our baby girl any time now!!! So how do I feel about that? Excited, freaked out, scared to death, excited some more, paralizingly petrified and in general very emotional....I go back and forth. This is sort of like a long pregnancy (like as long as an elephants' pregnancy) where in the end instead of going to the hospital, you get on a big plane and go to China. Instead of 24 hours of labor you have 24 hours of your butt falling asleep in a cramped airplane seat. Intead of giving birth to a precious baby you give birth to a giant stack of papers called a dossier, instead of the nurses handing you a swadled newborn an orpahange director hands you a crying toddler wearing multiple layers of clothing even though its summer time. Instead of giving life to a baby that looks like you, you are giving "a life" to a child who looks just like her beautiful unique self and diserves so much more out of life than what she has had so far, and you get to be the lucky one to give it to her. The best part of all is that whether you give birth to a child or give a home and a family to a child that does not have one, the love that goes both ways is the same. Can you see how it could be equally rewarding? I can.

My next post will be pictures of the progress I have made on our baby's nursery. I think it is very cute....we do not have much stuff for her yet because we don't know how big she'll be. As soon as we find out I will post information here. I'm hoping someone will give me a shower!! By the way our Daughters name will be Aubree or Aubrey haven't decided on the spelling. The middle name is still questionable, right now it is Meilin or Mei Lin :)